After our little girl, number 4 was born, things remained stagnate. Not hot or cold, but luke warm. I was exhausted from having her and breastfeeding, coupled with the fact that she NEVER slept. UGH! I was so tired. After having her, I was back to work four days later. Yep, you read it right! Four Days! I would work as long as I could, but I would get extremely tired. I praised GOD every day that I got to bring my little bundle with me and thanked GOD so much for allowing her to be apart of our lives. The baby, Juliana, was born with a very low heart rate. They sent her to Children’s Hospital the day after she was born via ambulance, where they monitored her and came to the conclusion that that was just her. There was nothing to worry about, it was just how her body worked. I had ended up going to Children’s Hospital with her, so I was there by myself. Hormones raging after giving birth, I was hysterical and alone. Tony did not know how to comfort me, so he did not really try. She was in the hospital over night, and then we were able to go home. Tony and the other kids came to pick us up. I had not slept in two and a half days and I was exhausted. Tony held the baby so I could get some sleep in-between her feedings. That helped. Reality very quickly hit. We had a newborn, three other children, a demanding business, and a struggling marriage. I had zero trust for Tony, and honestly, things really had not changed much. He would still hardly talk to me, let alone be able to communicate on an intimate level. Two things of which, I NEEDED!
Let’s fast forward some. I still had that longing, that need to want to have more children and Tony wanted a bunch more as well. Yes cynics, I know that I should first get my marriage in check before even thinking about adding more children, but I DIDN’T, so get over it. I’ve never been a by-the-book kind of person and I was not going to start now. When Juliana was nine and a half months old, I became pregnant with number 5. He was born in February of 2012. Things with Tony and I got better little by little. When Josiah, number 5, was eleven months old, I became pregnant with our seventh pregnancy, which resulted in a miscarriage. See The Biggest Trial of My Life round 2. Six weeks after the miscarriage, I became pregnant with number 6, baby MYMY. Along the way thru the trials and tribulations that we were going thru, we knew that we still loved each other, and that we had a good foundation in GOD. When you have those two things miracles can happen.
Today, our marriage is a huge work in progress, but we are still married and I still love Tony. As I have said in other posts, Tony and I are polar opposites in just about everything, which compounds the stress. Tony assures me that he has not gotten involved with any pornography since I found out, but for him it is a struggle every day. Some more then others. Pornography is extremely alluring, seductive, dangerous, and severely addictive, in all the wrong/fake ways. It warps and twists ones mind into thinking that it’s deceptions are true and right. Sucking you in at your most vulnerable moment’s, with no regard for you, or the people around you’s, welling being. It reaps catastrophic devastation on marriages with real life consequences.I have witnessed and lived these consequences first hand. I have felt and still feel the destruction in my life from it’s wake. I try every day to still strive to meet every need that I can for him. As for me, he still does not know how to communicate or meet a portionof the needs that I have, and that for me is also a struggle every day. Some days more then others. There are times, days, weeks where I feel completely depleted and that leaves me numb, bitter and angry. I would like to vent and give some examples so that you may understand where I am coming from. The kid’s and I take care of ninety percent of the household chores. AKA, keeping up the house. I’m not sure if he does that because he feels like it’s my job or why. If that is the reason, then I would agree. It is my job as the wife and caretaker, but not when I work as much as he does, then it becomes a shared job. A lot of times I do feel taken for granite. It feels like he views me and the kid’s as his own personal chef, maid, baby sitter, teacher, alarm clock, and mother. He stays up all night and sleeps all day.I bath and feed the kids as well. No, we never go out on dates, he never gets me gifts for any holiday including my birthday, there are no love letters and words of encouragement or affirmation are far between, no cuddling, no kissing, hugs are rare as well, and many more. Working and making money always comes before anything else. He tells me that romance, affection, and other physical things were never any part of his upbringing. Also, that the kid’s did everything around the house when he was living at home. The parents did nothing around the house for house hold chores. He tells me all the time that, that was how he was raised. How can you fault someone who was never been taught anything differently? My thinking, people have a choice whether they want to remain in the thinking that they know and are raised with, or to change. I don’t like it when people use the excuse, well I was raised that way, so it’s ok. No, it’s not. It’s called accountability! Step up or stop using excuses as you haveaccepted those as your path.He may not have been raised that way, but he also was not raised with an education. He had to learn that and if he so chooses, he will have to learn to meet my needs as well. I’m not here to bash him, but to give you a sense of why I feel the way I do. Not that I need justification, because I am allowed to feel how I feel. I have needs. I am human. Mine may be different then yours, but I still have needs and they matter. When those are not being met, or not even trying to be met, that show’s me you don’t care and are not willing to put in the time to show that you love me.I wish I could tell you that I was perfect. That my husband meets all my needs and things are great, but the fact of the matter remains, they are not. I go to the Lord in prayer and that helps. Other times when I just can’t take it anymore, I go to my support network. Mandy, isn’t your support network supposed to include your husband? Yes ideally, but, I was told by a pastor one time, that if he can not handle that position, then I need not force him into it. That I need to find an outlet somewhere else. My support network is able to guide me and encourage me, and at times admonish me, to continue to fight the fight. I am trying to learn to look past the selfishness that I am requiring of my husband and give. Give freely to him and expect nothing back. Not that he gives nothing back, but that I except nothing back.That would be my ultimate goal. Will I get there? GOD only knows. All that I can do is try and pray. To love without expecting anything in return would be the ultimate goal for me. GOD I pray that I would be more like your son Jesus Christ!