I have been thinking a lot about my life, the journey. One aspect that has been pressing heavily on me has been my purpose. For my whole life I have wanted nothing more then to fit in, to be known, to be loved and accepted. To conform to what people wanted and demanded me to be, and I was more then happy to conform. For the benefit of all.
Lately I have taken a lot of time to ponder this, and have come to the conclusion that I am not happy, and have not been happy for a long time. Why? Because I have chosen to conform to others resulting in me loosing myself. What does that look like for me? A very vanilla cookie cutter kind of life. For most that is great! That is what most strive for, but for me it’s boring, unsettling, and stagnate. I want more, need more, crave more, in order to feel like I have purpose. For so long I was striving to be that cookie cutter woman, but once obtaining it, it became something I no longer fit into. I thought for so long that that woman was me, that I needed to be that vanilla cookie cutter person, but I now know that’s not me and will never be me. I need adrenaline. I need adventure. I need challenges. I need a purpose! I’m not seeking the kind of adrenaline you get from jumping out of planes, off of bridges, or from cliff’s, that’s just not me, but the kind you get from accomplishing almost unattainable goals.
So, how do I plan to break the mold that I so willingly put myself into? Honestly, I have already began the process and will continue to grow in the direction that this “free loving” spirit chooses to go in. Along with growing, learning and no longer conforming, but the biggest and number one is by listening and getting to know myself. We also will be starting a new business venture. Yeah!! I needed this so much.
I have had many up’s and down’s with my faith, to say the least. I believe in God and I believe in his son Jesus Christ, everything else including those gray areas, in addition to my faith statement, is still being written. For now I am focusing on getting to know God, having that relationship with him that is like no other. It’s been slow, but at least it’s there. As well as, on loving, not judging, and having grace for people even when they do not deserve it. Luckily, I have very good accountability people around me, which helps greatly. Thank you to those, and you know who you are, for coming on this journey with me. It means the world to me. I am so excited to see the path in which I feel that God is leading me down.
Along this journey I have also come to know myself as that girly tom boy that get’s down in the mud one moment, is hiking through the trenches the next, and then goes to a formal gathering that evening. I can be high maintenance, but I am also that woman that goes out in sweats with no makeup and hair tied up. I do not let people walk all over me anymore, but I also know when I need to apologize and be humbled. Maybe after the fact, but none the less I get there. Like I alluded to, I’m a “work in progress”. I’m the kind of person that “Goes Big or Goes Home”. I was always ashamed to be me, to go against the “normal” grain, but I’m loving the woman who I am becoming in the journey. I only wish I could have found her many years ago.
Best Wishes and Much Love,