If you have been reading my blog you have come to understand that I, being the OCD, perfectionist, super self motivated person that I am, tend to fight every battle that I am faced with, and I mean every one. Yep, I’m a little firecracker! It gets exhausting and in the end, I’m left empty. I understand it’s my own fault. What’s the point then? I would say that for me, it all comes down to power. Yes, Power! I have been through some pretty tough stuff and hard times in my life, and that has left me not wanting to feel vulnerable ever again. I tend to either push people away or get defensive because of it. This is not an excuse, but more of a “ Oh, that’s where she is coming from” and “Oh, What, Your not intentionally trying to cause strife and drama between people”? Nope! Not my intention or thinking one bit. It is a defense mechanism. Those little things add up, putting me in survival mode. Lashing back is a means for me to survive. WOW! That’s pretty intense for when something little comes your way. Yes, but for me something little always leads to something bigger, and that something bigger always hurts that much more, so I try to squash it before it gets there. When people tear my family or myself down, it puts me on the defensive right away. No matter if it’s big or small, kidding or not kidding.
No body likes to feel left out. Including me. It’s not what the plan’s are, so much. For me it’s the invite. I may not even want to do what people are going to do, but it’s nice to be included. What’s my point? My point is that, just because you’re not asked, does not mean your not wanted. I would do myself a huge favor if I could just understand and remember this. I’m trying! It would do me good to remember that there are times I don’t invite or include everyone either. Not necessary on purpose. So, I have decided from now on, it is not for me to exclude people, but for them to exclude themselves. I don’t want people to feel the way that I feel when I’m left out, so I’m going to try this. We’ll see how far I actually get, but I’m going to try.
What does this all boils down to is, MOST people are selfish, most of the time. Why do I say this? I always tried to see the best in people, and kept getting hurt over and over again, but it got harder and harder to see the good. Most people do not care if they walk all over another person in order for them to get what they want. Now, that’s sad, but so true! I try hard not to be one of those people that hurt another person on purpose. Yes, at times I am selfish, but over all I really care about people and mean well. That’s why fighting every battle and getting all upset about everything is not the answer. I thought it was, but it’s not. Most other people don’t care about you getting upset. So, don’t waste your time and energy. I don’t want to sweat the small stuff any more. I say, it actually takes away my power and leaves me feeling more vulnerable when fighting with people over the little things. Plus, then I end up feeling guilty for the things I said, and need to come back humbling myself, asking for forgiveness for my part, and am left feeling exhausted and empty. UGH! Stupid conscience. I will be working on this one. It will be hard. It’s all I know. It’s what I’ve always done, and it’s what I’ve grown to do as a means of protecting myself, but I’m tired of fighting a loosing battle. I will still be that little firecracker, but instead of always leaving a mushroom cloud in my wake, I will be those beautiful colors that light up the sky. That being said, when times get hard I will defend myself. I’m not giving a license to people to hurt me, or to take advantage of me, but rather a license to allow myself to let go, of the little things. I will lean on the people I love and on GOD to guide me on this quest. I can not do it alone. It will take patients and understanding from those around me as well as a great support network, which GOD has so richly blessed me with. A simple, gentle guiding is all I’m asking for, not a drop down, leave me in tears, kind of hit.
I encourage you. If you are like me and you tend to get upset and fight every little battle that comes across your path, lay down your sword, and wave the white flag. I’m not saying, let people walk all over you and your family, hurt you, or to give away your power. I’m saying choose your battles and choose them carefully. Jesus endured so much more then any one person should ever have endure. People ripped him apart all the time and he did nothing. May I be more like Jesus! Fight the good fight! Love as much as you can!