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Past Reflections. My Soul Baring Reality.

Everyone has a past and everyone has the ability to reflect on their past experiences.

Image from schools.shorelineschools.org

Image from schools.shorelineschools.org

Some joyful, some hardships, some heartbreaking, some you never want to visit again. I’m no exception to that. I was recently contacted by an old friend, which stirred up a lot of deeply hidden unresolved issues. That friend comes from a dark time in my life. A time when I was a very different person. Where drugs and alcohol were the way to get thru the day. To escape, to numb reality. Where deception was the norm. Was life that hard at that time for me? I felt it was. I was so lost. So alone and was made to believe I could never be worth anything without a man. Where would I ever get the idea that life without a man is nothing? My mom, my friends, TV, you name it. It was a lie of course, but I bought into it hook, line and sinker. Where were my parents? My mom and dad were divorced when I was three. I stayed living with my mom, and visitation with my dad every other weekend. I have been told conflicting reasons as to why they got divorced, but that does not matter to me. I did not get to see my dad often, even as I grew, because my mom hated him, but really still loved him, if that makes any sense. It does to me. He had moved on and that made her very bitter. Taking that bitterness out on my relationship with my dad and me. I was raised in a time where anything went as a parent, and honestly it did. There were dark times as a child, but that may be for a different blog, possibly.

Then my dad moved across the country resulting in me never seeing him. My mom was in and out of relationships, and I was just along for the ride. She was there, but not there. There were times when she was great and I could talk to her like my mom. Most other times as I grew older, I was the parent. I did everything for myself. She had just checked out. She had issues going on with my sister and demons within her self that needed to be dealt with, that had never been resolved. I do not hold bitterness towards her anymore. I love my mom, have forgiven her, and understand that she had life demons from when she was a child to deal with. She parented how she knew how and how she could cope with life. So, I was left to my own devices and as a teenager I never listened to anyone anyways. What teenager does? I was out all night, school nights and weekends. I went to places no child should go. I was involved in things no child should ever be involved with. I had some very shady friends and acquaintances. All of the above lead to me ending up in such a devastatingly abusive relationship and how I ended up being raped twice. Mandy, you didn’t learn the first time that that happened to you? That you allowed it to happen to you again and again? I guess not. Stupid naive choices. On the plus side, I was never a promiscuous girl. I knew that my body was not meant to be given to just anyone. How did I know that? I could feel it in my heart. My mom was a “Holiday Christian”. We only went to church on the big holidays. So, there was no teaching on biblical living. I always felt that something from the time I was little was missing in my life. I tried very hard to fill that void with many different things, but with no success. I understand today that that void that I had and was trying to fill was the empty place I needed for GOD and his son Jesus Christ. Today, I would have to say I feel so much more full. I’m not completely full, but I’m working on that. You have read or can read my blog on decisions defining you, by clicking here. From that blog, you read that I believe that your decisions do define you. I never want to be defined in that manner again. So, the decision still remains whether I am going to contact that person back. Jury is still out. I do understand that others change as well, but I do not know if I want to revisit that time in my life. But Mandy, you could be a light to that person. Yes, I could, at the cost of me. I’m not sure I’m willing to risk that.

Mandy

3 Comments:

  1. I think it’s courageous for you to let others know about the dark times in your life, even though it makes you vulnerable to some who might judge you and it may hurt to even think about it but ultimately I think it has a healing effect .

  2. So interesting to read this Mandy; especially because we experienced so much together in our younger years. I hope you just continue to grow even more into the strong, beautiful person that I know you are. Love you!

    • Jenny, Our mom’s struggled with some of the same demons. You were my light back then. The friendship that we shared was priceless. I will carry those memories for a life time. You are amazing! Love you too!

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