Faith miscarriage 3
On Saturday October 3, 2015 we found out we were pregnant.
I was so excited. We had made the decision a couple of months earlier and each sequential month was negative. We have six children, but for me, every child is a blessing and the opportunity to have another children, to raise to know God, was huge.
My faith at that point in time was coming back around. I had struggled for months trying to find “MY” faith. I was tired of the legalistic way I had been living, “My Christian Life”. I felt like I was in chains. Unable to live, but unable to die. Darned either way I turned. It seemed like the Christian life was a life of living in secularism. Or a life living in Legalism. I could find no middle ground and I was loosing the battle. How were we to live differently? Do we do just like all the other people in the world? At which point I had given up trying to live by faith. I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to continue in my faith. I stopped praying. Stopped going to church. Stopped listening to Christian music. I was done. Don’t get me wrong I still believed in Jesus Christ, and what he did for me, but I was over all the lies and laws that governed me. I was having no victory in my spiritual life.
About the time that we had found out we were pregnant, I had realized that I really needed Christ and there was no way I could go thru this without him. Throughout the month of October and the beginning of November I grew ever so slowly towards God. It came time for our first ultrasound on Monday, November 9th,2015.
Then it happened. The unthinkable. It was twins. We were so so excited! Then came the words that you NEVER want to hear. They both have no heart beats. At that very moment time stopped. I could not breath. I wanted to throw up. The devastation was overwhelming. The anger, oh the anger was so intense. I vowed to Tony I would never, ever try again. I would never allow myself to go through that again. The voice in my head was screaming, “God doesn’t have your back” and then the very small voice saying “Trust Jesus”. The bitterness that then crept in. The doctor sat with us and said let’s wait another week just to be sure. We will do another ultrasound the following Monday. The emotional pain was unbearable, but I had hope.
I was up most all night and all day. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I pleaded with God on my knee’s, tears streaming down my face, and sought Godly wisdom. I dove into the bible looking for answers. Looking for promises God had made and, I found one. In Exodus. I banked everything I could on that promise. So, the rest of week I prayed and worshiped. Tony and I prayed together. We prayed over my stomach. I did everything I could think of. I had hope. I had lots of hope that God was going to breath life into these two little lives inside of me. I asked everyone I could to pray for us and they did! That Saturday night we went to church. I was armed with questions and ready to declare my ‘no doubt new faith’ on God’s promises. I asked Tony if we could go to church early to speak with our pastor. He said of course, so we were off. We walked in and the pastor was right there. I asked him to talk and then I asked him my questions. He then very gently, let me know that those promises in Exodus are just for the Israelites, not for us today. I felt like the floor had given way. I could not move, I could not think, I could do nothing, but shake my head. I had banked all of my hope on this verse, this promise. The realization that I had bought into a lie. I let myself be deceived. The intense anger came right back. I was angry at God? I was angry at myself? I was angry at Satan? I was angry at the world? God wasn’t going to save my babies. I was angry at everything. I tried to stay in church, but the tears just kept coming to the point that I was uncontrollably sobbing. I wanted those babies, so bad. I cried through most of the church service in little room in the back of church with Tony by my side. He talked while I fired back angry intentions of no longer obeying God or living in faith. All of the sudden before church ended, when I had hit bottom and had nothing left, I realized it was not God who did this, but Satan and my flesh. God did not take my babies! Yes, God has every ability to breath life into our babies, but again He see’s all and knows all. Leaving church that day with very puffy red eyes and a red nose, I had peace. Not just any peace, but the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that passes reason. It was time to really, Trust God! Like I never had before. He knew my story from beginning to end. Something I had no knowledge of. I needed to trust Him no matter the outcome. No matter the circumstance and for me, that was not going to be an easy task, but a necessary one.
Monday morning, November 16th 2015, came and it was time for another ultrasound. I had peace. I knew that the likelihood of them being alive on that day was null, but I trusted Jesus. I sat on that cold table with Tony’s hand in mine while we prayed, as we waited to hear the outcome. The ultrasound tech looked at me with soft damp eyes and said, I’m sorry there still is no heart beat’s. I looked her right back in the eyes and said, “God is still Good”! She said, “Yes, He is, but it’s still hard.” I said yes, it is, but God is still good. Tony and I met with the doctor and made our appt for surgery the next Monday right before Thanksgiving. There would be one last ultrasound that day and if nothing had changed the surgery would follow.
That next week went by at a normal pace. I had resolved myself to knowing this nightmare was about to be over. I knew I had a choice. I knew I had a couple of really big life changing choices to make. The first choice was my faith. I was at peace with what had happened. Though, that loss, that pain, no matter the time period that follows will never be filled. The second choice was the possibility of more children. I knew why I did not want to try again and I knew that I could choose to or not to try again. After that second ultrasound I had made my decisions.
First, it was time to really dive in and know God. To seek his face. Without all of the religion attached. It was time to learn how to be victorious in my walk with God! How to really live by faith! I gained two very strong in-faith mentors. I threw myself into their teachings and have not looked back. I pray and have faith God hears me. I have never been to the level in faith that I am at, and I’m not sure I would have gotten there without this tragedy. Through the ashes, comes the light. God is light! Blessed be to God! Through those ashes God will restore. I know this. I believe this. I trust God for this. Why? Because, God is Good! God is Love! God is my redeemer.
Second, after much thought and revelation, it boiled down to fear. Fear is what was keeping me from wanting to have anymore children and fear is NOT of God. This answer came very easily as I grew in my faith. God not only wants us to have Godly children, but he commands us to. It was time for me to release that fear, and realize God is in control. By putting God in control, I no longer needed to live in the bondage of worry, guilt, anxiety, regret, depression, and what if’s. I could release that to him. It was time to live Victoriously!
On, Monday November 23rd, 2015 we said goodbye to our twins. The surgery went as well as could be expected, though the recovery was a bit hard. Additionally, all of my digestive track had been thrown out of balance and my medicine was not absorbing right. After month’s it is starting to stabilize. The physical pain has long since subsided, but the emotional pain will always be there.
Thank you God and thank you to those that were there, day and night, through this very, very devastatingly difficult time in our lives. I could not have made it through without you. To you my husband goes my utmost love, thankfulness, and devotion. All my love and blessings to all of you that supported me.
Finally, finally it is time to move on.
Finally it is, Time to Live!
All The Glory To You God! Amen! (though this is not the end, but the beginning of our story)
Faith miscarriage 3