There have been many, many times in my marriage where I have wanted to leave. The lack of communication, love, and the neglect of my needs as a wife can be a very hard burden to bare. A person can only give so much, until there is nothing left. I have come to the conclusion, that I will never be that perfect high maintenance woman, that Tony wants me to be. With the perfect nails, the perfect straight hair, the perfect body type, the perfect make up, and all of the qualities of a good church going wife. I now realize, I’m ok with that. I am that woman, that at times, does not care about going into Walmart in my flannel pajamas, not having showered, no make up, hair pulled back in a pony tail, red splotches and acne on my face. That’s the bare naked me. I am also that woman, that is high maintenance and loves to look amazing, but I am beautiful, whether I do my hair that day or pull it back in a pony tail. Tony will say, he does not require the high maintenance aspects of me, and I’m here to tell you that, no he does not require it of me, but he would like it, and as a good GODLY wife, it is my responsibility to keep my husbands attraction on me. If that is what he likes, then that is what I need to strive to do, to keep that attraction there. I need to do what I can in the context of a biblical aspect to adorn myself with items that are pleasing to Tony.
Through out my life I have lost my identity. I have become someones wife, someones mother, someones daughter, someones friend, instead of Mandy. I have spent my whole life meeting other peoples needs and was left feeling empty. I put aside all of my goals to allow other loved ones to obtain theirs. Today, I am here to reclaim Mandy. I’m not talking about, now it’s going to be all about me and my needs being met, or the hammers coming down and I’m leaving. No! I’m talking about, now it’s going to be about me finding myself worth and understanding that I matter, especially to GOD, which in turn will help me understand, I matter to myself. It’s about knowing that I no long have to go through life numb, bitter and angry. That I am capable of receiving love, forgiving, and moving on. That I no longer will be defining myself as my past.
Why have I and do I, continue to stay in my marriage? Bottom line: Two reasons. One, I love Tony. I always have and I always will no matter the circumstances that have happened in our marriage thus far. Two, the kids. Children need a two parent home. Yes, there are issues, but I try hard to keep it as stable as possible and am open and honest with the kids. Humbling myself, so that they understand that their spouse, or their mom, is not perfect and to never expect them to be. They understand that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. That married couples, aka parents to them, do have disagreements and it is what you do in those disagreements that define you and your marriage. They, as well as Tony and I, understand that it is vitally important in marriage to forgive, to have grace and mercy, and above all, to have love for each other.
What will happen in the future? No one knows. I do know that I love my husband, and that I am not going anywhere. He may have faults, and I do have many faults, but it is GOD and our love for one another that holds us together. Life has no guarantees, other then if you believe in Jesus Christ. I do know that the story does not end here, and the rest has yet to be written.