Anxiety Equals Worry Equals Fear
I decided a very short while before I started this blog, that I was going to stop trying to be someone I am not, and START being me. The stripped down me, true to my self, just me.
Something that I have struggled with since I was very young is, Da-Da-Daa… ANXIETY. Worry and fear coincide as a result of the anxiety, which becomes the very definition of anxiety. For me, anxiety has the ability to take over my life. Anxiety for me will filter over in many aspects of my life, but the strongest one would be medical anxiety. I have a fear of obtaining a sever sickness and that my very close family would as well. Having to go thru the pain, physical and metal, and then dying. Oh but Mandy, you believe in Jesus Christ and what he has done for you, so why do you worry about dying? I worry, because I am imperfect. I worry, because of what I would leave behind. I worry, because I have fear. Let me also tell you that Fear is not of GOD! If, hopefully when you choose to except Jesus Christ into your life, everything that you have struggle with will most likely not go away right away, or at least it didn’t for me. Yes, many many things were better, but it was not like some light bulb had just turned on and all the darkness that I had held on to for so many years, was gone. Some very deeply stemmed issues and items still remained for me. What do you do about those? The obvious answer is prayer, but for me I also need action. I need to do as well as speak. GOD can do anything, but I also know that it is up to me to also work thru what I struggle with. I have had some doozies in my life, like mono and fibromyalgia and some non-intense ones like my thyroid condition, ear infections, etc. I and the medical doctors have found lumps. A have a couple in my thyroid that have been monitored and deemed non cancerous, and the others that were found have all been deemed, at this point, non cancerous. Yeah, praise GOD!
My fear came to a reality this year in October. My dad had started to observe a lump in his neck. I looked at it and many other friends looked at it and we all thought it to be just a swollen lymph node, from an infection that he must have picked up and his body was just fighting it. I had gotten a couple of swollen lymph nodes when I had mono, so I really thought that it had to be an infection. I later came home and was goggling it and it just kept coming up with cancer. Yes, in the back of my mind I was freaking out. I called him and told him to get it checked. Long story short, as he is a stubborn man, he finally did get it checked. The doctors came in that day and revealed to him that it was indeed cancer. It rocked my world. Not MY dad. No GOD, please NO. I went thru life numb over the next two months. Not willing to face the fact that anything bad could or was going to happen to MY dad. He went thru many, many more tests and surgeries, as well as a seven week treatment. The doctors seemed really happy with the situation so far, but at this moment we are still waiting to hear the results of the above. Anxiety still remains high, but thru it all he has had such a positive attitude. We have prayed, wept, and given everything we had to believing and trusting in GOD, that He would deliver him from this.
I will go into my top two aspects. I already touched on one medical anxiety, the second is relationship anxiety. The fear of not doing things perfect. Not saying the right thing, not doing the right thing, not looking the right way, not being there when I needed to be there, etc. I have so many of these I do not even know where to start. I guess I will just go over one, and as the my blog proceeds, maybe in other posts, more will surface. When you get married you also inherit another whole family. That’s just the benefit, or curse, or both, how ever you look at it. Some back-ground first. For me with my family, other then my parents now, my siblings and I were never close. We are very far apart in age and we have nothing in common. One of my dreams was to have that very close relationship with siblings. One that no matter what you did, said, etc. would never be lost. You would be forgiven and still have that close bond if you screwed up. When I met my husband he described his family to be just like that. Oh, I was so excited. Yes, I would finally have that very close family I had always wanted. I would have sisters and brothers that would be there no matter what. That I could call or text just to say “hey, loser, I’m bored” and nothing would be taken by it. That they would know the real me and I didn’t have to hide anymore. Yes, I had an extreme amount of anxiety every time I would get together with them, but it was going to be so worth it. Enter in reality. Boy, I must have set things off kilter because it was the opposite. Every body seemed to hate me and things were so stressful. I tried and tried every time to be what I needed to be, in order for things to be like I had pictured, but that only made it worse. Ten years later, things are much better. Yep, it only took ten years for things to start working themselves out. Mostly, haha. Every day I feel closer to each one of them and am so thankful for that. My hope is that as time goes on, that will become an unbreakable bond.
When I have an attack or flare, there is one person that I know I can go to, to “talk me down” and that is my dad. I will be at a ten on the anxiety scale and mind you after many hours of talking it finally comes back down to where I can take it. It takes a lot of “self talk” to be able to “talk yourself down”, and over the course of many years, I have been able to do that on a regular basis. When things really get out of control for me though, I know my dad is there. I just have to call him up and he ALWAYS take’s the time for me. Love you dad!!
Living a life filled with worry, fear, and anxiety is not a life that has any joy. I have had many, many, many flares as I call them, in my life, and will continue to have them, but it’s what I choose to do in those times that truly defines me. Prayer and very supportive key people help me to handle it when it rears it’s ugly head.